Parents want their children to have good self-esteem. However, self-esteem doesn't come naturally to children. It is something that must be fostered, developed, nurtured, and grown. Following these four tips can help.
1. Show your children that you value them.
Let your children know you love them. This is done through praise and direct expressions of love, hugs, and kisses. Children need to be told directly by their parents or caregiver that they are loved. Children need to be held, cuddled, and played with. Quality and quantity of time demonstrate that parents value their children. Few things speak more to a child about being valued than his or her parents simply being there.
2. Teach your children and let them learn.
Competency is the next ingredient to healthy self-esteem. As the child grows and begins exploring the house (often the kitchen cupboards), the child gains the opportunity to increase competency. He or she does this by gaining access and control over larger objects and greater spaces. Again, the response of the parent is crucial. Some parents structure the child's environment for maximum exploration, while other parents localize their child's area of living. Either way, making way for the child to play and explore safely, whatever the limits, is often referred to as baby-proofing. The greater the control and mastery of skills a child develops, the greater the sense of competency is—the second ingredient to healthy self-esteem.
Parents can facilitate competency by providing safe areas for children to develop skills and by allowing their children to participate in household activities such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, making beds, and so forth. The goal of these activities is for the child to develop a sense of control—not the perfectionist pursuit of the best made bed, for example. Participation should be fun, supportive, or helpful, not competitive.
3. Participate in doing good deeds.
The third thing parents can do to facilitate healthy self-esteem in their children is to direct and participate with their children in doing good deeds. Doing good deeds teaches children to be aware of the life of others beyond themselves. This enables the development of empathy and altruistic behavior. What's important is that children are encouraged, or even positioned, to be helpful to the extent of their ability. The little one may carry a plastic cup to the table, the middle one a plate and a spoon, while the big one can clear the table. Special little projects can be undertaken, visits can be made, and pennies can be put in the charity coin boxes at store checkout counters.
4. Make the rules of life clear.
The last thing parents can provide to facilitate self-esteem in their children is structure. Structure is a word that actually implies two separate concepts: routines and limits. Routines provide structure over time, and limits provide structure over behavior.
Another way to think of structure is like the rules of a game. How well could you play Monopoly, hopscotch, tag, or hide-and-seek if there weren't rules? Rules include who goes next, under which circumstances he or she goes, and when. The rules also include what happens when someone goes outside the normal bounds of play—they may miss a turn, pay a fine, and so on.
Knowing the rules of the game of life is sometimes referred to as internalizing structure. This is also a form of competency—when the child knows the hows, whats, whens, and wheres of life. Unfortunately this information doesn't come automatically. Children may pick some of the rules up incidentally as they go along, but this leaves much to chance. Parents can help their children internalize structure by commenting on daily routines, specifying appropriate behavior, providing feedback, and by providing consequences for undesirable behavior.
These four ingredients—valuing, competency, good deeds, and structure form the basic building blocks for the development of self-esteem. Why should you develop self-esteem in children? Children with healthy self-esteem feel good about themselves, relate well to others, behave more appropriately, and are more aware of the world around them.
Gary Direnfeld, Master of Social Work (MSW) and Registered Social Worker (RSW), is a child behavior expert and the author ofRaising Kids Without Raising Cane. Gary not only helps people get along or feel better about themselves, but also enjoys an extensive career in public speaking. He provides insight on issues ranging from child behavior management and development, to family life, to socially responsible business development. Courts in Ontario, Canada consider Gary an expert on matters pertaining to child development, custody and access, family and marital therapy, and social work.
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